Sunday, June 7, 2009

Looking Back...

So, this is only my second post. I'm completely new to having my own blog, and I'm clearly not blazing any trails so far... =) Topics often cross my mind (or something dramatic happens in the autism community) and I'll think, "Ooooh! I should write about that!" but before I do, something new has come up and I think I'll just focus on that issue... So here I am---my second post in four months...

This post really doesn't have anything to do with late-breaking news, or any huge development with the boys (although at some point---hopefully soon---I do plan to do sort-of a catch-up chronicle of their progress so far)... but what's on my mind today is this: Today I looked back. I looked back before the autism. I looked at pictures of the boys from 2005---before they got sick. This is something I haven't done much of...at all. I found myself laughing, and ooohing and aaahing, remembering how funny they were at different stages...and then I found myself engulfed with sadness.

Now, to be fair, I think some of this sadness is the normal sadness any mom feels when she looks back. I sometimes feel it when I look at Christopher's baby pictures and I realize how fast his life is flashing before my eyes---and I think of how proud I am of him, and what an awesome guy he's growing into. It always ends up being a mix of happy and sad---but the sad is always there, as just a little twinge of pain in acknowledging how fast he's growing up, and in missing (just a little bit) the baby or the toddler or the first-grader he was...

With Luke and Campbell, though, it's something more. There's definitely the expected sadness of realizing my "babies" (the last ones I will be having, I might add!) are already four years old and it's flying by... But there's also this additional, difficult-to-explain sadness. Looking at their baby pictures brings back all the memories of what our life was then. I can remember the moments in the pictures like it was yesterday---yet it seems like a lifetime ago. Our hopes, dreams and expectations were so different then. WE were so different then. It's like looking at these people who have no idea what's about to hit them... We were just so "normal" then.

And then when I look at the boys' faces---well, it's really hard. It's hard because some things jump out at me and sting---like Campbell's beautiful smile and his big, bright eyes looking straight into the camera. We lost that eye-contact and that knowing-smile for well-over a year. Both have come back---with a lot of hard work---although we still struggle with both from time to time. I just never considered we were at risk for losing those things in the first place, or that they'd ever be things we fought for... I guess we truly took them for granted.

The other thing that really stings is seeing what I now know were signs of trouble ahead. When I look at the rashes that came and went on their little faces, or the constant runny noses that sometimes show up in the photos...it's hard to realize that, back then, we had no idea these chronic issues were signs of an immune system under stress. We had no idea that these were red flags warning us to change courses. That is where the real sadness creeps in. The sadness that only regret and wishing for a "do-over" can bring...

When this sadness came over me today, I let myself feel it. I acknowledged that there's still a part of me that longs for normalcy. And I still ache to be able to communicate with my boys the way most moms do with their four-year-olds. And, more than anything, I long for a guarantee from God that my boys will be healed in due time.

But then I started thinking about those people in the pictures, and how our eyes have been opened since then. And how so many of the things that worried us or mattered to us back then have completely fallen off of our radar---and how refreshing that is. And then, of course, that led me counting our blessings...and since we started this journey in January, 2008, there have been many...

Now, I don't think I'm one who can ever say I'm thankful for autism; but I can definitely say I am so thankful for a God that, in the midst of this scary, difficult-to-navigate, politically jacked-up mess, continues to make His presence known, continues to bless our family in so many ways, and, more than anything, continues to sustain us with HOPE.

Friday, February 6, 2009

Just getting started...

Now that we've completed our first year on this journey, I realize we need an avenue for updating friends and family on the boys' progress, as well as a forum for discussing the extremely important topics that now directly impact our lives. We have been blessed with tremendously supportive family and friends, and we thank you for accompanying us through all we're experiencing.

At this point, I have no clue what I'm doing (blog-wise =)), but I hope to learn and make this a functional communication tool.

With love and gratitude,
Sunny